Driving in Kampala? Then you’ll need to read this first!
Welcome to Diary of a Muzungu! This week’s guest post is by Mark Penhallow. Mark has been working in the roads sector in Uganda since 2001 and has recently returned to the UK after 2 years based in Kampala. Mark writes:
Ugandans are generally friendly, intelligent and considerate people, but they should never, ever be allowed anywhere close to a steering wheel (or a microphone for that matter) when, for some inexplicable reason, these admirable characteristics (plus any sense of self-preservation) seem to abandon them entirely!
If you plan to drive in or through Kampala (which is unavoidable when you visit Uganda), it’s imperative to remember that it’s a war out there and to be prepared for battle!
Some rules of engagement do exist (such as driving on the left), but these appear to be advisory only and are frequently ignored. Consequently, there is no point of waving a “Highway Code” at anyone or claiming any self-righteousness, such as “but it’s my right of way!” or “I got here first” as this merely produces looks of utter perplexion and shrugged shoulders.
One of the slower moving obstacles to avoid while driving in Kampala
How to prepare your vehicle for battle
- The bigger the vehicle, the better. “BIG IS BIG” as a windscreen sticker in one of the city’s matatu (taxis) says.
- The presence of “bull bars” on the front of your vehicle helps intimidate other road users; show them you mean business! Loud horns are important, together with full-beam lights for after dark.
- The presence of other miscellaneous items such as indicators, tyre treads, brakes and windscreen wipers is usually an indication that the vehicle belongs to an affluent foreigner or even richer NGO.
- If your vehicle does have such ancillary items, use these to fool other road users:
- Flash your lights means “go ahead” or equally the opposite “I’m coming through.”
- A right hand indicator means either “I’m pulling off to the left, so you can overtake me” or occasionally, “I’m going to turn right.”
You will notice that, yes, one meaning completely contradicts the other and could easily result in a collision – welcome to Kampala!
Now you’re prepared for battle, let me introduce you to some of your fellow road users:
Pedestrians
Pedestrians are an occupational hazard of driving in Kampala, but can usually be safely ignored by drivers. Unfortunately, instead of remaining in the narrow areas of mud or dust that line Kampala’s roadsides, they have an inconsiderate tendency to walk in the roadway instead, often getting in the way of vehicles. A sharp blast from the car horn is usually sufficient to scatter them out of your way.
Should you happen to hit one of these individuals, it’s unlikely anyone will care, as they tend to be poor and, as would appear from the state of the facilities provided for them throughout the city, the authorities clearly do not think these people are important anyway. Anyone important or rich has a car of course, so it is their needs which the authorities aim to satisfy above anyone else’s.
A note of caution! Beware of pedestrians in white uniforms, especially if they start waving little red objects at you, as they are particularly keen to greet foreigners.
Fortunately, these people are often quite fat (especially the successful ones), so are relatively easy to spot from afar. Their waving usually indicates that they are feeling hungry and want you to stop, so that they can tell you of some spectacularly imaginative reason why you should pay for their lunch. Consequently, they tend to be especially busy in the mornings, and less so after lunch. Their levels of activity also rise in the run-up to Christmas and when school fees are due.
How to deal with pedestrians in white uniforms (sometimes referred to as ‘traffic policemen’):
1. Look away and pretend you haven’t seen them: eye contact is especially foolhardy.
2. Having red number plates (denoting you work for a NGO) can be partially effective. The best avoidance tactic is to own a pair of blue (diplomatic) plates, which as you will inevitably see, allows you to do whatever you want, without having to worry about anyone else.
3. Adding a little flag to the front of your vehicle can help too (and is certainly good for your ego).
4. If you are feeling especially insecure, insignificant and unimportant, why not hire a truck full of uniformed men to escort you to the shops and restaurants around town? Make sure that your escort vehicle has a wide range of different tunes to blast through its sirens, as you speed through the traffic of Kampala. This adds variety to your trip and startles other drivers, which is always fun.
The Muzungu says: I’ve run into Kampala’s thirsty policemen more than once….
Cyclists
Cyclists are also a nuisance but, being relatively small and slow moving, they can usually be forced out of your way, as you make you way through the city in air conditioned comfort. There are a lot of cyclists but, like pedestrians, they are neither important nor rich, so their needs can safely be ignored.
Away from the city centre, boda bodas can be a lot of fun
Boda boda (motorbike taxis)
Boda bodas, upon which entire extended families travel together (plus furniture, animals and household goods), are more of a problem, as they multiply and spread like bacteria across Kampala’s urban sprawl. They comply with no rules or regulations. In fact, it is only their evident desire to perish as quickly as possible that has any impact on controlling their numbers.
Room for one more? Baboon on a boda boda
If you are ever tempted to make use of their pillion passenger services, then ensure that you have bade fond farewell to the family first, finalised your Will and paid for the best quality medical services that any insurance policy can buy.
The Muzungu: boda bodas feature in my 50 reasons why I love Uganda
Finally, a special mention must be made of the Matatus, the majority of vehicles in the city’s congested streets. These too are a law unto themselves, overloaded with passengers (human, chicken or goat), plus suitcases, hooks of matoke, sacks of farm produce and a myriad of other items indispensable to African life. It is of course far more important to load the vehicle’s roof and boot with mattresses and rain barrels than it is to be able to see the road, as Matatus claim absolute right to do any manoeuvre at any time.
A large, 4 wheel drive vehicle (as recommended above) may help to moderate the matatus’ bullying tactics, but their insatiable enthusiasm to get to the next stop before anyone else knows no bounds. If this requires driving on footpaths, verges or the wrong side of the road, then woe betide anyone who gets in their way.
So, enjoy your trip across Kampala. It will certainly be an adventure!
The Muzungu: thanks Mark for a hilarious view of driving in Kampala! Mark enjoys creative writing and is also an expert public speaker.
Do you have a story or some advice you’d like to share? Please read my Guests Posts page for guidelines on the kinds of stories I feature on Diary of a Muzungu.
Your encounters with men in white uniforms have made me quite paranoid Mark! so much so that I have had to completely ignore two that jumped out of the road to try and catch me last week!!
I’m curious of the requirements to operate a vehicle in Uganda. Is there a permit or license required, age, or is it a free for all? Also, if I wanted to drive in Uganda how would I go about meeting that requirement?
Hi Audrey
Yes driving might seem like a free for all! But, as with everything in Uganda, we have a pretty good set of laws in place but implementation is a whole other issue. This is down to lack of resources, lack of training and corruption, to put it bluntly. Few people know the law or their rights either.
Visitors to Uganda can drive on their licence from the issuing country. Bring it with you. An international driving licence is useful but not necessary if you’re on a short trip. For longer-term expats, advice varies on whether you need a Ugandan licence or not. I’ve been here 4 years and still show my British / European Union one whenever I get pulled over by those nice men in white uniforms looking for school fees!
Two days before Xmas, a traffic policeman pulled me over. When we challenged him (he could not possibly have seen my broken brake lights when standing in front of the car) he explained “yes but we have special skills. we are trained to see these things.” Advice, never give them your original licence as they may hold on to it until they get what they want. A Ugandan friend had to make seven visits to the central police station before he got his licence back. I just keep a colour photocopy in my glove compartment and it’s always been fine.
On the whole I recommend driving in Kampala, it can be fun – just expect anything to happen, at any time, from any direction!
You completed some good points on muzungubloguganda.com . I did a search on the theme and found the majority of persons will have the same opinion with your blog. and Happy New Year!
This is from a Ugandan
.
Try hitting those people you consider poor , hence unimportant and you will be lynched
Or fleeced or jailed.
Just because they are poor doesn’t mean they are not important .
You are right, I couldn’t agree more.
I disagree with with statement because it’s grossly inaccurate.. Surely am doubting if your guest writer visited Uganda… “The presence of other miscellaneous items such as indicators, tyre treads, brakes and windscreen wipers is usually an indication that the vehicle belongs to an affluent foreigner or even richer NGO”….. So many Uganda own cars in good condition.. Simply painting a grim picture of Ugandan drivers because he saw one or two cars in that condition he describes is stereotypical and condescending… Ugandans I’m general are orderly and take good car of their cars
Hi Bahirwa, thanks for dropping by my blog. I think Mark may have exaggerated to make his point, but after having lived and worked in Uganda – as an engineer in the roads sector – for many years, I think he’s entitled to poke fun and (vent his frustrations). Be honest, there are many more than ‘one or two cars’ in bad condition on Uganda’s roads.
The muzungu is very right, iam a Ugandan and have been driving for the last 35 years. I also work with the ministry of works and transport but the fact is that corruption in the police force and politics have brought fake drivers on the road. Most Ugandan drivers whether graduates or not educated don’t even no the ” Highway code” can’t even explain the road sign.
Sometimes I get mad with bad Ugandan drivers but then I realise – like you say – that many have never even heard of the Highway Code. So can I blame them? They have probably been taught to drive by people who had not heard of it either!
When I’m driving in Kampala, I always say to myself “expect anything to happen … at any time … from any direction!” That saves me!
I agree with you. Poking fun when you’re advising would be travellers is a bit too much and he’s doing it at the expense of Ugandans. For someone who has never been to Uganda, that’s they will think happens. Some of his coins TS are really insulting, like poor people don’t matter?
Mark found it incredibly frustrating to drive and work in KLA. That comes across strongly in the article. To be honest, I think his humour is pretty merciless, whoever you are!
Exaggerating to make a point at the expense of a people is certainly not fair. Whereas there are many issues arising in the story, I feel belittled by the spirit of the ‘article’! It was with the same spirit that colonials saw Africa. Anyhow, the issues raised can be viewed as directly arising from the effects of that same colonization!
Go to a comedy show and see whether any comedian draws a caricature without exaggerating to make his/her point.
So Kampala’s traffic problems are the fault of the British Protectorate are they? Am interested to read that argument!
But this is not a comedy show is it? It’s an advisory article right? I might be wrong here.
It’s just his personal take on the issue. Humour is his way of dealing with the frustrations of driving in Kampala.
Some people don’t understand comedy unfortunately…
LOL – you hit the nail on the head! 🙂
This is so sad and yet so funny. Your have me on the floor mzungu, i need a new set of ribs.
lol Moses, I guess it is both sad and funny. Driving on Uganda’s roads is always entertaining – I always have to have my camera ready!
Am readly to ride
No! seriously, I like this blog. Let me throw something that many people probably missed out. Its just a comedy, but a true meaning, with due respect. Here we go!
Question: How many people know the origin, and meaning, of the name, or word, “Muzungu”? For those who know the real meaning of the name, ” Ganda”, or word for this matter.
Well, muzungu is a Swahili pronoun for a name given to somebody who cannot remain in one place at a time. Not necessarily a loiterer, wanderer, aimlessly always on the move. But somebody who may be a tourist, a doctor, or other, and is constantly on the move. Kuzunguka is the noun. So when non indigenous persons started arriving in east Africa, and everyone was curious about “these people who list keep oncoming and going….! Wanna zunguka hapa! So they became “mzungu”. So the dairies of a Muzungu is just right. The testimony of someone who has moved around.
This sounds comedy but its a true story. So now who is a ” Muganda”? Of course somebody from Uganda. Why “Uganda”, because ” Country of Brotherly people”. Waganda: wannaojependa!
Hi Benjamin, thanks for dropping by!
I love your question!
The history behind the muzungu term is fascinating. Let’s compare notes: here’s what I wrote on the subject…
What is a muzungu?
This piece has really got me laughing… i cant even stop. Its so funny. I can actually visualise his experience.
I also have to say his description and hyperbole is on point!
As a Ugandan, i understand his frustration.
I know, he hasn’t held back, has he?
I think everyone who lives in Kampala has moments like these!
In agreement to the Muzungu::
I think the “men in white” should be given POCKETLESS uniforms..lol
LOL! Perhaps they should wear lycra to work?
As you were talking about boda bodas in kampala,why didn’t you talk about safe boda?or else youhaven’t here about it?
This post was written in 2013, a long time before we had Uber, Safe Boda, Taxify and all the other ‘ride hailing apps’ in Kampala. I do recommend them however. They are generally a lot safer and more convenient than getting a random boda boda that is flying by. I have used Uber since they first launched. I like the convenience of being able to use the one app to call either a car or boda boda. Uber has the added advantage of working when I land in Nairobi or Dar es Salaam!
I am face palming at the people who got offended at the article…This is why I still argue that literature should be mandatory at all levels of education including the sciences…atleast for analysis purposes; failing to discern writing techniques and running your mood for zero reason .
I love the article. I am just catching up with all your blog posts and I love them. Just recently moved to Italy so I am homesick alittle…this is like therapy for me. Thank you so much
Hello Gloria, lovely to read from you. Thanks for taking the time to post a message. Webale kusiima 🙂
The writer of this article has a wicked sense of humour – and that’s why I love it! No-one appreciates the driving standards around Kampala, let’s be honest!
Hope you settle into your new life in Italy. You might enjoy the Diary of a Muzungu Facebook page where we have regular updates and fun interactions too. Wishing you all the best.