Being hungry in Kasese can be a bit of a challenge.

Part I

Ordering dinner after 9 pm upcountry usually means little in the way of choice. Ordering from the girl who only occasionally keeps an eye on the guests sitting in the cool area outside the front of the hotel means your choice will be further limited by her English.

We were advised to move upstairs to order. Here we were offered menus. My friend’s face beamed as he looked at the variety of choices before us.

“You’ve lived here long enough to know that you can’t go by what the menu says,” I hinted.

It’s a tough life being a chicken in Uganda.

“What do you have please?” He enquired.

“Beef, chicken or liver” came the (standard?) reply.

I settled for a tomato salad – it was that or nothing for the mostly-vegetarian-Muzungu – which comprised one thinly sliced tomato with an equal amount of thickly sliced onion.

After I’d finished, and A had hassled the waitress for his food, a plate of lukewarm pasta – forgotten in the kitchen – eventually arrived. “Where’s the beef I ordered to go with it?” A asked.

“There is none,” came the reply.

Did I say it was a tough life being a chicken in Uganda?

Part II

I need more than a tomato salad to sustain me.

As we sat around in the heat the next day, deciding where to head to next, we ordered some Crest (tonic) and opened our bottle of Uganda Waragi.

After a few minutes drinking, a hotel employee approached our table and whispered in A’s ear.

“It’s a Muslim place,” A said, “he just told me!” It was a bit late by then – we hid the bottle under the table and pretended we were just enjoying our soda.

We looked around us. They weren’t apparently so Muslim that they were offended by the half-naked women starring at the soft-porn-that-passes-for-hip-hop-videos that all eyes were glued to on the TV screen.

I took the plunge and ordered chicken curry. Ten minutes later, a boda boda pulled up outside the hotel with a live chicken hanging upside down between the handlebars.

Call that a coincidence?

You have been warned!

Have you got any funny meal time stories to share? If you’re new to Uganda, you might enjoy some other tips for living here. Read Uganda for beginners.